CIG Diaries: Public Urination Is Bad For You

Have you ever wondered why Indian men are so fond of marking their territory wherever they go? Forget that. How can any man be comfortable with whipping out his dinghy in public?

For a society where men are obsessed with sex but don’t want to talk about it (because culture; it’s not like our ancestors wrote a book on sex. Wait a minute…), it is quite difficult to comprehend the logic of an average Indian man.

Boys and girls can’t be seen holding hands in public, but first, let me take a piss at this beautiful corner. Sex before marriage is strictly prohibited, but first, let me relieve myself at this bus stop. Women can’t wear skirts, shorts, pants, jeans, rain-coats, hazmat suits…. but first, let me stop my car and pee all over the side of the road.

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Now that’s some heavy calculus level logic.

Don’t even get me started on their syllabus for sharing their feelings with a woman. I can do an entire post on our flirting methods.

But why talk about this? It’s not like they are going to stop and I can walk around MG road with an open nose.

Today we are going to talk about the two times CIG made the mistake of urinating in public. In his defense, he was a kid the first time, and the second time he whipped out his peepers, it was really dark.

We’ll start with second one as it’s less embarrassing.

So it’s the college period and CIG, like every other engineering student in Pune, is walking around in one of the happening areas of the city. For certain reasons, I can’t mention that area. So he’ walking, looking for a nice place to sit and enjoy some local food with his friends. All of a sudden, his bladder alarm goes off.

**Now we all know the rule is to visit one of the public toilets, but back then if you visited these toilets for some business, you ended up getting a complementary “puking the guts out” because of the smell. Apparently some Indian men don’t know where the flush is. Oooh another one – women can’t step out of their homes at night, but first, I am so not going to flush that.

Back to the story. So CIG decided to hold on to his pride and walk away from the crowded areas to find a secluded place. Fortunately, after a couple of minutes, he found a quiet area with no one except his friends around him. Friends tend to be understanding in these kind of situations. There must have been a blackout as it was pitch dark. Feeling guilty about not taking a whiz before leaving, he walked into the darkness and found some flat ground to pee on, not realizing where exactly he was standing.

Turns out, there was some problem with the electricity. When the lights came back on, CIG was taking a piss in some poor guy’s balcony/garden. As you can imagine, CIG ran away from there and never returned to that area.

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The first one happened when CIG was a teenager. He lived in a rental home on the outskirts of the city with his family. In the evenings, he would travel to the cantonment, play tennis, swim in the club pool for an hour and then cycle back home.

One day when he returned home, his family was out and he had to wait for sometime. He decided to cycle around the colony.

Now, I mentioned earlier that CIG was a teenager. Like every other teenager, CIG had a crush on a girl who he saw sometimes in the colony. As luck would have it, CIG spotted the girl that day during his casual cycling. Due to some hormonal reactions, he decided to follow that girl and find out where she lived. After a some turns and random streets, he lost her. (she was on a scooter).

So… bladder alert!

He was in a residential area and locked out of his home. Holding tightly onto his pride, he went a little further and found an empty lot in front of a couple of homes. After relaxing himself and letting out a giant sigh of relief, he felt better and turned around.

Remember that girl he had a crush on. Turns out the empty lot was in front of that girl’s house. How did he know that? Well, that girl was standing at the gate shooting daggers at the guy taking a piss in front of her house.

Needless to say, he never followed any woman. Actually, he never even dared to have a crush on a woman after that.

Moral of these two stories

  • Always empty your bladder before leaving home.
  • Just because it’s dark, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone’s house there.
  • If you have a crush on a girl, don’t follow her if your bladder is full. Scratch that, don’t follow her.
  • Marking territory for humans requires buying land. Just because others go wee-wee in some area doesn’t mean it is the designated public toilet.
  • If you can’t handle two adults holding hands in public then you should have problems with men holding their wieners in public too.

 

 

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